I'm 20!!!!! That number sounds so old to me, but I'm trying to not let it bother me, age is silly and meaningless anyway! Thank you to all of my community for your birthday wishes, you make me feel so endlessly loved and embraced! I had the absolute greatest day, and I hope you know that when you were thinking of me, I was thinking of you too. We're back in Kathmandu from our 10 day meditation retreat at Kopan Monastery, and while there were many moments of inner struggle, my mind feels brighter and most blissful than ever. I don't foresee myself ever shaving my head and becoming a Tibetan Buddhist nun, but I feel that I now have the tools and the courage to look within, contemplate, resolve my inner battles, and find peace in challenge. Of course I wasn't enlightened by these ideas on the first day. It took quite a few meditations and teachings on the dharma to break through the elaborate facade, which often overwhelms Tibetan Buddhism, and discover the jewels of wisdom that I can use in my daily life.
This branch of Buddhism, known as the Mahayana path, follows the teachings, or dharma, of the Sakyamuni Buddha, who lived 500 years before Christ. "Mahayana" literally means "the greater path to universal enlightenment," so the key aim of this belief system is not just the enlightenment of one's self, but the enlightenment of all sentient beings from samsara, cyclic rebirth. Thus, Mayahana becomes known also as the Boddhisattva path, for a Boddhisattva is one who forgoes personal nirvana in order to help others achieve enlightenment. What a beautiful idea! If only the whole world lookied out for each other's well being the way that the Buddha said we should!
When we arrived at Kopan, on top of a hill overlooking all of Kathmandu, we were overwhelmed by a very odd sense of culture shock. There were white people everywhere! (The course was mainly held for Westerners interested in Buddhism). After living in a remote village with no English, it was quite disorienting to be surrounded by European, Australian, and American travelers. Anyway, the retreat began. Our daily schedule looked like this:
5:00 AM - I wake up to do yoga with the sunrise
5:45 AM - Everyone else wakes up
6:00 AM - Tea
6:30 AM - Meditation
7:45 AM - Breakfast
9:15 AM - Teachings
11:30 AM - Lunch/break
2:00 PM - Discussion groups
3:30 PM - Teachings
5:00 PM - Tea
6:00 PM - Meditation
6:45 PM - Dinner
7:45 PM - Meditation
Everyday, all participants in the retreat were silent from morning through lunch. However, anyone could choose to be silent for the whole day, or whole retreat even. They would simply wear a yellow ribbon to signify their silence and let others know to not speak with them. I had initially planned to be silent, potentially for the whole 10 days. I had my yellow ribbon on the first day thinking, "Hey how hard can it be!" Let me tell you, it is really damn hard. I went into the experience thinking I had already known a lot about Buddhism - I've read tons of books, watched documentaries, I liked to think that I already lived with the mindful simplicity of the Buddha's ideas. Yet, that first day threw me for a loop. We walked into the gompa, where all of our programs were held, and were confronted by a huge golden statue of "Lord" Buddha, surrounded by statues of other deities which supposedly represent aspects of the Buddha (I could only connect with Green Tara, goddess of liberation and fearlessness). The idols were elegantly painted and illuminated by bright lights. I was struck by the religiosity of the large room, for some reason it felt like the last thing the Buddha ever would have wanted. We all sat down cross-legged on cushions (which began as a vey painful experience but has now given me very open hips) and an old Swedish woman in nun's robes walked in. The entire room stood up in honor of the teachings, and she proceeded to explain Tibetan Buddhism, her life's devotion, to our open ears.
Ani (sister) Karin told us that life is characterized by dukkha, dissatisfaction, and that we are full of desires and attachments that can oly provide temporary happiness. She taughts us that this world is empty, therefore all we see and belief to be real is an illusion. We learned about the 6 realms of existence, including the human realm (the highest), animal realm, hungry ghost realm, and other unfavorable realms for rebirth. And she explained the concept of karma as it is carried across reincarnations - essentially suggesting that some individuals are fated to endure atrocities like war or genocide based on the negative karma of a past life. We were taught about beginingless time and beginingless consciousness. We meditated while visualizing the Buddha streaming wisdom into our chakras, we performed prostrations, said prayers, and chanted mantras. With such an abundance of information pouring out of Ani Karin's mouth, I was overwhelmed by disillusion. How could anyone believe that the victims of the Holocaust or Hurricane Katrina "deserved" such hardship based on the karma of past lives? Should I act kindly purely out of fear of being reborn into a lower realm? How can anything be truly beginningless? Don't these visualizations of the Buddha in all his perfection feel a little bit like God worship? Are chanting these mantras 30,000 times (as many monks do) really going to make me enlightened? I had so many questions, but there was nothing I could do about it because I was silent. I was confused and frustrated by the teachings, and felt isolated in the sea of people.
At dinner that night I decided to take off my yellow ribbon of silence. Though I had set a goal for myself, I realized it was unrealistic. I had never done anything like this before, and I knew I would get more out of the experience if I could discuss the teachings with everyone around me. So I began posing my questions and I was relieved to hear that everyone agreed. As we bounced ideas off each other I didn't feel so crazy anymore, worried in my head that I was the only one who didn't believe everything Ani Karin said. The next day, the morning silence no longer felt forced and lonely, and I continued to contemplate the beliefs of the dharma with as many people as I could. There was even a Romanian woman in my discussion group who was avidly concerned that everyone she knows learns compassion before the world ends in December, 2012 and it's too late. What a trip!
Finally I realized that these wild teachings about Buddhism were being taught to us through the lens of a nun, a woman who 40 years ago renounced life as she knew it to devote herself to the Buddha. Of course it feels like God worship, this is a religion to her! If she believes in spirits in other realms and chanting mantras to build karmic merit, then all I can do is be happy for her that she finds such joy in the teachings, and then sift through all of her words to find the valuable pieces of wisdom that I can apply to my own life. Because let's face it, if I'm feeling really upset one day, I'm not going to contemplate which realm I'll be born into next or the true emptiness of a pillow. So with my new mindset, I found, what is to me, the jewel in the lotus. The lesson of compassion has always rung true in my soul, but now I can hardly put into words how beautiful and magnificent this practice can be. We always feel compassion for our loved ones, we of course want them to be happy. But it is excruciatingly difficult to find that compassion for those who have hurt us. We spent a day meditating on anger, visualizing the person who made us angry, and envisioning the exact moments where we felt hurt. This was really painful, concentrating on these moments I could only feel more upset. But then, Ani Karin said this: "Be grateful to your enemey, thank them for giving you the opportunity to practice compassion and patience." How revolutionary! How true! "Yes!" I thought, "because this happened I am so much stronger in myself and my being and I'm so thankful for that!" Further, it is only I who can control my emotions, no one else. So I renounce suffering in the name of compassion. Rather than feel hurt, I can take in that person's own suffering and send them strength, independence, joy, anything they need to feel happy. And moving forward, I can let go of any grudges or lingering bitterness, knowing that as I release that anger, I'm healing the person who hurt me, and healing myself too. Not that I'm eager to forgive any wrongdoing, but compassion serves as a reminder that we're all human and we all make mistakes. Rather than feel selfish attachment to people, expecting them to make us happy, we can feel pure, endless love for both our friends/family and our enemies, wanting only the best for them. Hopefully I can carry this lesson home with me!
The last two days were spent in complete silence, with 6 meditation sessions a day. In one meditation, we attempted to regress through our past lives (I envisioned myself as a lioness and then as a Native American healer - probably just wishful thinking), and in another we went through the death process, feeling our skin and joints dry out, our tongue swell, and our feet turn freezing, all the way to the bright light, which was emotional and very nauseating. In others we practiced compassion, sending ourselves gifts (I sent myself joy, courage, and the willpower to go wherever my heart leads) and sending our loved ones gifts (I sent my Mom harmony, strength, and happiness). We sent streams of bright light to all sentient beings to wipe away their suffering and we broke down our own self-cherishing ego to make room for the well being of others. It was exhausting and powerful and I'm so happy that I got to take time out of this unnecessarily busy life to just sit and watch as thoughts float by. It's okay if the statues are too lavish and big. As I sat and watched monks perform their morning puja, or offering, I could feel their chanting reverberate through my body, getting the chills everytime they would sound the cymbals, horn, and gong. This belief system brings them bliss and empowers them to lead what they see as a life of fulfillment. And more power to them!! All I can do is be happy for others, as I slowly make my way closer to finding my own personal truth.
This branch of Buddhism, known as the Mahayana path, follows the teachings, or dharma, of the Sakyamuni Buddha, who lived 500 years before Christ. "Mahayana" literally means "the greater path to universal enlightenment," so the key aim of this belief system is not just the enlightenment of one's self, but the enlightenment of all sentient beings from samsara, cyclic rebirth. Thus, Mayahana becomes known also as the Boddhisattva path, for a Boddhisattva is one who forgoes personal nirvana in order to help others achieve enlightenment. What a beautiful idea! If only the whole world lookied out for each other's well being the way that the Buddha said we should!
When we arrived at Kopan, on top of a hill overlooking all of Kathmandu, we were overwhelmed by a very odd sense of culture shock. There were white people everywhere! (The course was mainly held for Westerners interested in Buddhism). After living in a remote village with no English, it was quite disorienting to be surrounded by European, Australian, and American travelers. Anyway, the retreat began. Our daily schedule looked like this:
5:00 AM - I wake up to do yoga with the sunrise
5:45 AM - Everyone else wakes up
6:00 AM - Tea
6:30 AM - Meditation
7:45 AM - Breakfast
9:15 AM - Teachings
11:30 AM - Lunch/break
2:00 PM - Discussion groups
3:30 PM - Teachings
5:00 PM - Tea
6:00 PM - Meditation
6:45 PM - Dinner
7:45 PM - Meditation
Everyday, all participants in the retreat were silent from morning through lunch. However, anyone could choose to be silent for the whole day, or whole retreat even. They would simply wear a yellow ribbon to signify their silence and let others know to not speak with them. I had initially planned to be silent, potentially for the whole 10 days. I had my yellow ribbon on the first day thinking, "Hey how hard can it be!" Let me tell you, it is really damn hard. I went into the experience thinking I had already known a lot about Buddhism - I've read tons of books, watched documentaries, I liked to think that I already lived with the mindful simplicity of the Buddha's ideas. Yet, that first day threw me for a loop. We walked into the gompa, where all of our programs were held, and were confronted by a huge golden statue of "Lord" Buddha, surrounded by statues of other deities which supposedly represent aspects of the Buddha (I could only connect with Green Tara, goddess of liberation and fearlessness). The idols were elegantly painted and illuminated by bright lights. I was struck by the religiosity of the large room, for some reason it felt like the last thing the Buddha ever would have wanted. We all sat down cross-legged on cushions (which began as a vey painful experience but has now given me very open hips) and an old Swedish woman in nun's robes walked in. The entire room stood up in honor of the teachings, and she proceeded to explain Tibetan Buddhism, her life's devotion, to our open ears.
Ani (sister) Karin told us that life is characterized by dukkha, dissatisfaction, and that we are full of desires and attachments that can oly provide temporary happiness. She taughts us that this world is empty, therefore all we see and belief to be real is an illusion. We learned about the 6 realms of existence, including the human realm (the highest), animal realm, hungry ghost realm, and other unfavorable realms for rebirth. And she explained the concept of karma as it is carried across reincarnations - essentially suggesting that some individuals are fated to endure atrocities like war or genocide based on the negative karma of a past life. We were taught about beginingless time and beginingless consciousness. We meditated while visualizing the Buddha streaming wisdom into our chakras, we performed prostrations, said prayers, and chanted mantras. With such an abundance of information pouring out of Ani Karin's mouth, I was overwhelmed by disillusion. How could anyone believe that the victims of the Holocaust or Hurricane Katrina "deserved" such hardship based on the karma of past lives? Should I act kindly purely out of fear of being reborn into a lower realm? How can anything be truly beginningless? Don't these visualizations of the Buddha in all his perfection feel a little bit like God worship? Are chanting these mantras 30,000 times (as many monks do) really going to make me enlightened? I had so many questions, but there was nothing I could do about it because I was silent. I was confused and frustrated by the teachings, and felt isolated in the sea of people.
At dinner that night I decided to take off my yellow ribbon of silence. Though I had set a goal for myself, I realized it was unrealistic. I had never done anything like this before, and I knew I would get more out of the experience if I could discuss the teachings with everyone around me. So I began posing my questions and I was relieved to hear that everyone agreed. As we bounced ideas off each other I didn't feel so crazy anymore, worried in my head that I was the only one who didn't believe everything Ani Karin said. The next day, the morning silence no longer felt forced and lonely, and I continued to contemplate the beliefs of the dharma with as many people as I could. There was even a Romanian woman in my discussion group who was avidly concerned that everyone she knows learns compassion before the world ends in December, 2012 and it's too late. What a trip!
Finally I realized that these wild teachings about Buddhism were being taught to us through the lens of a nun, a woman who 40 years ago renounced life as she knew it to devote herself to the Buddha. Of course it feels like God worship, this is a religion to her! If she believes in spirits in other realms and chanting mantras to build karmic merit, then all I can do is be happy for her that she finds such joy in the teachings, and then sift through all of her words to find the valuable pieces of wisdom that I can apply to my own life. Because let's face it, if I'm feeling really upset one day, I'm not going to contemplate which realm I'll be born into next or the true emptiness of a pillow. So with my new mindset, I found, what is to me, the jewel in the lotus. The lesson of compassion has always rung true in my soul, but now I can hardly put into words how beautiful and magnificent this practice can be. We always feel compassion for our loved ones, we of course want them to be happy. But it is excruciatingly difficult to find that compassion for those who have hurt us. We spent a day meditating on anger, visualizing the person who made us angry, and envisioning the exact moments where we felt hurt. This was really painful, concentrating on these moments I could only feel more upset. But then, Ani Karin said this: "Be grateful to your enemey, thank them for giving you the opportunity to practice compassion and patience." How revolutionary! How true! "Yes!" I thought, "because this happened I am so much stronger in myself and my being and I'm so thankful for that!" Further, it is only I who can control my emotions, no one else. So I renounce suffering in the name of compassion. Rather than feel hurt, I can take in that person's own suffering and send them strength, independence, joy, anything they need to feel happy. And moving forward, I can let go of any grudges or lingering bitterness, knowing that as I release that anger, I'm healing the person who hurt me, and healing myself too. Not that I'm eager to forgive any wrongdoing, but compassion serves as a reminder that we're all human and we all make mistakes. Rather than feel selfish attachment to people, expecting them to make us happy, we can feel pure, endless love for both our friends/family and our enemies, wanting only the best for them. Hopefully I can carry this lesson home with me!
The last two days were spent in complete silence, with 6 meditation sessions a day. In one meditation, we attempted to regress through our past lives (I envisioned myself as a lioness and then as a Native American healer - probably just wishful thinking), and in another we went through the death process, feeling our skin and joints dry out, our tongue swell, and our feet turn freezing, all the way to the bright light, which was emotional and very nauseating. In others we practiced compassion, sending ourselves gifts (I sent myself joy, courage, and the willpower to go wherever my heart leads) and sending our loved ones gifts (I sent my Mom harmony, strength, and happiness). We sent streams of bright light to all sentient beings to wipe away their suffering and we broke down our own self-cherishing ego to make room for the well being of others. It was exhausting and powerful and I'm so happy that I got to take time out of this unnecessarily busy life to just sit and watch as thoughts float by. It's okay if the statues are too lavish and big. As I sat and watched monks perform their morning puja, or offering, I could feel their chanting reverberate through my body, getting the chills everytime they would sound the cymbals, horn, and gong. This belief system brings them bliss and empowers them to lead what they see as a life of fulfillment. And more power to them!! All I can do is be happy for others, as I slowly make my way closer to finding my own personal truth.
WOW! amazinga!
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