Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Day 121

 To my community,

I landed this morning in Jaipur, India, an ancient desert city in the state of Rajasthan. In the Mumbai airport I spoke with an Indian woman about meditation and she told me about her practice with chakra spirituality, and then all of a sudden said that she knew I had been in India in a past life. I smiled such a big smile, this meant a lot to me and I took it as a good omen. That being said, I got out of the cab to walk around the Old City and I'm not sure I've ever felt so overwhelmed (and many of you know how much I hate to use that word). I wanted so badly to cry, I just followed these two women through the puzzling alleys so that I wouldn't feel alone. But then I found an internet cafe which is great because I can send you guys one last email before I embark on my last journey, and the reason I came to India.
For the next ten days I'll be participating in a Vipassana meditation course, which is a style of meditation that was used by the Buddha to reach enlightenment, yet is secular - completely non religious. During the course I won't be allowed to communicate with anyone other than the teachers, eat anything other than the two meals they serve, read books, write in my journal, practice yoga, listen to music, and so on. It's a strict schedule with strict rules, but it is all in the hopes that the participant will learn to sit with his or herself, observe the mind without any distractions, and cultivate all the lovingkindess within that's just waiting to be discovered. I know it will be a big challenge, but I also know it will reap the most beautiful rewards. And one of my goals for these ten days is to develop some sort of closure with this year, because I want to be able to fly home feeling at peace with all I've done and at peace with all that is to come. The past couple weeks I've grown so nervous to go home, more nervous than I ever thought I would be. I have no idea where I'll be next year, I have no idea what to expect, and it's hard to even picture myself back in school, especially after learning so many lessons this year just through human interaction and experience (rather than papers and finals). But I'm also nervous for this year to end. The world feels like my community, I feel a connection to even the people most different from me. So I think the transition will be a hard one, trying to reconcile and unite Los Angeles Emily with globe trekker warrior goddess Emily (but hey they live in the same body right?). And most importantly I don't want any of you to take my nervousness as I don't want to be with you, because I miss you all and think about you everyday and can't wait to see you. If it weren't for you guys (the greatest community in the universe) I don't think I would be going home! So maybe it'll be tough at first, but I'm reminding myself that this is only the beginning of my life's adventures, and I can't wait to share so many future adventures with you guys. Thank you for all of the endless love and support that you've given me this year, I am so grateful to each of you. And so this afternoon I'll begin the course!! If you want to read a little bit about what Vipassana really is (because it's hard for me to explain since I haven't actually done it yet), this link gives a really great explanation. It's a little long but I promise it's worth it-  http://www.dhamma.org/en/art.shtml

Wish me luck, I'll be thinking about you all and sending metta, lovingkindness. See you soon!!


Sunday, April 21, 2013

Day 118

About a week ago I said goodbye to the gibbons and took a ferry to a smaller Thai island called Koh Tao. Surrounded by thriving underwater wildlife and packed with countless scuba schools , Koh Tao is the ideal place to learn how to dive, and that's exactly what I did! The open water course is the first level of scuba diver certification and in four days it teaches all of the necessary knowledge about equipment, diving theory, and water skills that a diver could need. It's not too complicated of course, tons of people pass everyday without even the slightest problem. However, few people know this, but I've never felt like water is my element. Growing up I wasn't a very confident swimmer. I never even learned how to dive! And on top of this swimming history, I actually went scuba diving once on a family vacation to Hawaii when I was 13, and I was so nervous the whole time about the pressure in my ears and the breathing and so on that I used up all of my oxygen and had to float back to the shore on the water's surface while everybody else got to swim back and keep looking at sea turtles.
So going into the course with some uneasiness made the lessons that were simple for other people a little more of a struggle for me. Firstly, breathing through your mouth into a weird tube while underwater is very bizarre and takes a long time to get used to. Secondly, due to this unnatural breathing (and my nerves) my mind would get confused between breathing through my mouth and my nose and I would end up choking on water for a second. This got especially pesky when we learned a few skills involving flooding the mask full of water and clearing it underwater by blowing out through the nose. It sounds straight forward, but time and time again I got frazzled and inhaled water instead of oxygen. Feeling unsure and uncomfortable in the water (the first day we only practiced in a pool mind you) I was on the verge of tears. My instructor calmed me down, got me to breathe, and all of a sudden something in my mind clicked. The sport of scuba diving revolves completely around the breath, and as a yogi, the breath is my specialty! One of the greatest lessons yoga has taught me is to always breathe through challenge. If I'm in a difficult pose on the mat, I just have to breathe through it and I'll be alright! And when I'm underwater and faced with an obstacle like a mask full of water, all I have to do is keep breathing and it'll be over before I know it. And so it's the same with any challenge in life!! Thus, in a desperate attempt to stay calm, I focused my entire mind and being on my breath, and it worked! But, of course, I didn't turn into a star swimmer overnight with this new realization. On the boat the next afternoon, I was close to marching up to the instructor and saying, "You're crazy if you think I can do any of this!!" But I gave myself a chance, got in the water, and as soon as I saw the bright corals and shimmering fish, my nerves subsided and I felt the most overwhelming joy. It's a whole new world under there!! So we just swam and breathed and swam and breathed and I felt at peace. Everything moves so slowly under water that it's hard to feel stressed, even if you wanted to. Of course the time came to practice the mask clearing skills on the ocean floor. I freaked out my breathing for a quick second, but I slowed down, caught my breath, cleared the mask and was completely fine, back in tune with my breath, the pulse of life. Four insanely beautiful dives later I became a certified open water diver, and I was really sad when the course was finished. Swimming through huge corals with anemones flowing in the current and iridescent fish nipping at my ears, I felt like I was on another planet, and what a blessing that scuba diving allows you to explore this new universe!! And did you know that scientists know and understand more about the moon than the ocean? How wild! So I'm feeling grateful for the opportunities diving has given me to explore that mysterious world. And I'm also feeling so proud of myself!! There really was a minute there when I thought I wouldn't finish the course, so the fact that I stuck with it and faced some of my weird water fears reminds me that I'm a strong and courageous warrior goddess even when I struggle with a challenge a little. So cheers to diving and to this beautiful little island! And now on to the final stretch of this long and wondrous journey. I'm India bound!

Friday, April 12, 2013

Day 109

For my day off today I went to Koh Yao Noi, a tiny little island just an hour or so boat ride from Phuket, and went rock climbing!! I had found this climbing shop when I went to the island for my first day off a few weeks ago, so I thought it would be a groovy idea to try and go if I got the chance. When I woke up this morning I wasn't necessarily expecting myself to follow through with the plan. For some reason I was expecting there to be all sorts of obstacles that would prevent me from ever getting there (or maybe that's what my subconscious was hoping), but of course it ended up being very easy and I made it there just after ten am, where I met my climbing guide, a Thai guy with dread locks name Dut. He sorted out all of our gear and prepared a blow up little speedy boat and we were off. "Well I guess I'm doin it!" I thought. Though I had a serious passion for bouldering for a few months last year (as some of you may remember), I haven't kept up the practice so I was utterly terrified. Not to mention I had never climbed outdoors before, so I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like or feel like. We pulled up to a little island with a huge red and brown bare rock wall, and I knew this must be it. I got off the boat and climbed up a rickety ladder to a ledge of land before the wall and gazed straight up, trying to visualize my body, my being, hanging off those rocks. Dut met me on the ledge and we sat to organize the carabeaners and cut a pineapple, to be had as a snack between climbing. We talked about the island, gibbons, his climbing history, and finally it was time to begin. He taught me how to belay so that he could climb and set up the rope, and then it was my turn. From the first step I knew it would be hard. I climbed, searching for the holds, touching all of the coral-like rock formations trying to feel for something dependable. Slowly but surely I made it up, with Dut guiding me when I couldn't figure out where to place my nervous limbs. Man it was just so hard! But all the greater the reward. As I bounced down the wall I turned my head to look out at the view from high up over the ocean, it was so unbelievably beautiful, and I felt so good!!!! We ate pineapple and hung out while I rested before trying a new route. My arms were already exhausted so I didn't make it all the way up but I still felt proud of my body and mind for making it as high as I did, certainly higher than I had ever climbed before! After climbing, Dut drove the boat to see some lagoons and rocks and we went swimming in the clear blue sea (the water felt so good after pulling my body up that wall!). So in the end it was a really great day. I am so insanely grateful that I made it to the climbing shop instead of chickening out. I think (and I hope) that I remember this day for a long long time.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Day 102

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Having the world in my hands this semester has been the greatest blessing, but such opportunity has also come with challenges. All decisions regarding where to go and what to do have been up to me, and that's a remarkable amount of freedom for a twenty year old. As awesome as it has been to get to plan my path, I've realized that such freedom has made it very hard at times to find contentedness in situations that aren't absolutely perfect (because after all everything was up to me, so if it wasn't perfect it was my mistake). So when I wasn't groovin with the European vibe, I thought, "Maybe I should have gone straight to Thailand," and then when Bangkok was kinda weird I thought, "Maybe I should have just stayed in Israel!" Perhaps the grass will always be greener on the other side, but Aretha Franklin told me otherwise. I was listening to the Soul Queen's rendition of "Let It Be" last night and heard her saying, "Emily, you gotta let it be! Stop second guessing your decisions because everything will work out exactly as its supposed to!" So I'm lettin it be. I thought back to the farm in Holland and the Kibbutz and Cambodia and all these places I've been and all I can feel is gratitude. Of course I've been challenged, isn't that what I wanted??
So here I am in a small Muslim village on the largest Thai island, Phuket, volunteering with the Gibbon Rehabilitation Project for four weeks. People keep asking if I'm studying zoology or if I'm just passionate about primates, and the answer to both is no. I wound up here because I've never worked with wild animals and probably never will later so hey I might as well try something new while I can! Coming in with this attitude, it was almost surprising to arrive a couple weeks ago and be surrounded by people ready to dedicate their lives to these animals. It would have been one thing if I had chosen a really cute and sweet animal, but gibbons are dangerously aggressive (they have huge canine teeth and long arms that can reach through the cage and grab you when you least expect it). So after getting my hair yanked a couple times, the thought that my first few days were nerve racking is an understatement. I looked at the other volunteers and wished I could feel as excited about the gibbons as they do. I had yet another moment of doubt, maybe I made a mistake coming here, maybe it wasn't too late to leave, but what else would I do? Anxious and confused, I eventually realized it would be crazy to leave my complete judgement on those first couple days. I decided to do a little yoga in hopes of calming down, coming back to my breath, and connecting with my body. As soon as I stepped on that old, dirt-stained, beautiful blue yoga mat I felt as if I had gone home. It's a bit bulky but my yoga mat has come with me everywhere, and though I haven't maintained a regular practice, I feel like yoga is as big of a part of my life as ever, for the lessons it has taught me follow wherever I go and in all I do. I am so thankful for my practice!!!! A cool breeze of relief brushed over me as I flowed through my sun salutations (it was really just the fan that I had aimed in my direction but you know what I'm sayin). Everything is going to be alright. In fact, it'll be better than alright because I'm on this beautiful island with dense rainforests and sloping mountains all surrounded by the most insanely bright blue ocean! So hey even if I'm not preparing to sacrifice my life to animal science or feel an intense and passionate love for the gibbons, I'm getting the chance to experience a stunning slice of the world and meet interesting people, all while being involved in a really cool project!
So this is what The Gibbon Rehabilitation Project is all about. For decades, poachers have gone into the rainforests of Phuket and hunted gibbons to sell them into the tourist trade. Photographers use baby gibbons as photo props, charging tourists high sums to take photos with the animals. Firstly, this is a huge problem because gibbons are on the brink of extinction on Phuket all because of the wildlife trade. Secondly, it's illegal to keep a gibbon because of their endangered status, so any owner can receive up to 5 years in prison and huge fines. And thirdly, this is all a problem because gibbons are wild animals!! In the tourist center of Phuket, baby gibbons are kept by their owners in bird cages, with collars and all. They're fed a diet of potato chips and diet coke, and some who are kept at bars and clubs are even taught how to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol in hopes that they will attract more tourists. How crazy is that! And to get the baby gibbons in the first place, poachers shoot down the mothers and fathers, hoping that the baby will also fall from the canopy to the ground, completely defenseless. Which means that for every baby gibbon in the tourist trade there are at least two gibbons dead. So the greatest goal of the project is to release gibbons back to the wild and repopulate the rainforest of Phuket. But of course, it's much more complicated than it seems. The rehabilitation process is pretty slow going, it takes an average of ten years for a gibbon to be released. This is because we only release gibbons in family groups, rather than as individuals. If we released them one at a time, they wouldn't develop a sense of territory and they would end up just fighting with other gibbons, whereas when they're released as a family they will develop a strong bond with their territory and protect it. And creating these gibbon families is what takes the greatest amount of time. Gibbons mate for life, meaning they choose one monogamous partner, and they're very picky about who that partner is. So our rehabilitation site of 35 gibbons is essentially a dating service. We match up male and female gibbons over and over again until they're finally happy and they have a baby, and then they can be released to the wild!!! I went to the rainforest last week to feed a family that was released in November and wow it was so neat to see them swinging through the canopy of bright green trees, just like they were born to do!! But unfortunately, not all of the gibbons we care for will have the opportunity to be released. After so much abuse in the tourist industry on the island, many gibbons come to the project with really serious psychological or physical disabilities that will prevent them from ever being able to survive on their own. Tam is one of our gibbons that will never be released. She's really sweet, but when she came to the project she had to have a hand and a foot amputated because her owner had smashed them with a rock. On the remaining hand she only has two fingers because another gibbon that her owner kept had bitten off the other three fingers. Some other gibbons come to us with psychological problems like self harming disorders, anorexia, and bulemia, all because of the stress they endured in the tourist industry. (It's weird how human like they are! Its as if they have post traumatic stress disorder!). So these gibbons will stay with the project, where at least they can be given all the attention they need. And thankfully, these gibbons are the minority. We've released six families into the wild successfully and we have 35 gibbons in rehab who will be released as soon as they have a family. And to top it all off we just had our first second generation baby born in the wild this year! So though it can seem like a slow going process, the Gibbon Rehabilitation Project is doing good things! And remember, do not pay to take photos with wild animals!!! (The new animal activist in me coming out).
Anyway, thank you for sticking with me through this wacky journey of mine. I'm sure I must sound crazy and confusing at times (and maybe I actually am crazy and confused!), but all the endless support that you've all given me has kept me going! So, truly, thank you so much for sending all your love as I discover what this world is all about! I cant wait to share with you all I've learned!!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 91

Introducing my life in the Thai islands with some pictures, more words to come soon!!!! Sending love to everyone!!

The Whole Foods of Thailand: 

Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 81

After a cold  month in Europe, I flew to Thailand a week and a half ago yearning for sun and the soul penetrating joy I felt in Nepal. Instead, I was given Bangkok, a big city, skyscrapers and all, where my body is constantly sticky and heat isn't as enjoyable as I remember it being. Carts of street food cover the sidewalks with each dish spicier than the next. Pork is unavoidable, the one meat I told myself I would never try I have given in to, and it's disapointingly delicious. Thankfully, just a couple days later I escaped the pork crazed city for Vang Vieng, Laos. My friend, Aaron (who is studying abroad in Bangkok) and I got some of the last seats available (unbelievably uncomfortable plastic benches) on an overnight train to the Thai-Lao border. After many more hours of confusion and travel we made it to Vang Vieng, a small town among big mountains and a river flwoing with life. "This is exactly where I'm supposed to be," I thought. We spent our days exploring the river, the mountains, and local caves. I have never felt so happy and content to simply walk as I did then. Zig-zagging through the red dirt roads, I was greeted with smiles by every person I passed. We found an organic mulberry farm outside of town, run by a man named Mr. T, and we enjoyed his company for many meals of mulberry pancakes and starfruit wine. We also met a couple from London who are taking two years to tandem bike from New Zealand all the way back home. Wow they were so rad!! We talked with them a ton and the woman, Kat, said if she could do it, so could I, so hey maybe one day I'll do a bike trip too! (You can read more about what they're doing on their blog: tandemturners.com). When the time came to leave Vang Vieng we were all pretty sad. Looking back it almost feels like a dreamy paradise, I can't believe how lucky I am to have been there. Getting back to Bangkok was a bit of a fiasco, but we eventually found an overnight bus and all worked out (as it always does when you stay positive). And that same day I got on a plane to Siem Reap, Cambodia! To give a little background, I didn't realize that upon coming to Thailand  I would need a visa to stay longer than 30 days. A part of me even worried that I would get deported in the Bangkok airport. But of course that didn't happen, and I spent a day at Immigration to sort things out. The only option they gave me was to again fly into Thailand to renew my 30 days and then apply for a 7 day extension to cover my last week in April. So this is how I got to Cambodia, and wow am I so thankful for Thailand's crazy visa rules.
Getting on my plane that day was nothing short of terrifying. Many times now I've traveled from point A to point B on my own, but never before have I entered new and unknown territory without any sort of companion or a plan to guide me. The days ahead felt like eternity, how would I possibly keep myself busy? But getting off the plane in Siem Reap I knew I had done right. What was coming would be hard, the uncertainty felt scary, but at the same time so beautiful. All is in my hands! The next morning at 5 am I got on a motorcycle taxi to Angkor Wat, an ancient temple now in ruins. Riding with Poh, my motorcycle driver and guest house receptionist, I looked up at the stars and smiled so big. "Emily you are the cat's pajamas," I thought. I watched the sun rise over Angkor and then set off to explore. Poh would meet me at the end and drive me to the next temples. (These ten minute motorcycle stints every hour were crucial because it was so damn hot outside). I visited Angkor Wat, Bayon, and Ta Phrom, and I highly suggest looking them up on google images because they're insanely beautiful and my iphone didn't take any good pictures. Wandering that morning I really enjoyed my solitude. I could go at my own pace, and let the beauty of my surroundings sink into my head without having to constantly express how beautiful it was to people around me. I talked to all the Cambodian kids begging tourists to buy their postcards and magnets. To distract them from their young entrepreneurship I would ask them their names, their ages, and what they liked to do for fun. The anthropologist/camp counselor in me had a great time. By noon I was sweaty and tired, and after the last temple we headed back to the guest house. A few hours later  I woke up from a nap feeling intensely lonely. It hit me that no one was waiting for me, no one was wondering where I was. It was just me. I tried to go on a walk but the city center of Siem Reap is so touristy that it wasn't really enjoyable. I started to get into a negative frame of mind, the hours were moving so slowly. I just wanted to cry (and I did), I've never felt so unhappy to be alone with myself. Thankfully, a few weeks ago my dad sent me a website called journeywoman.com. It's a resource of stories and tips for female travelers, and  I got on a computer to check it out for fun. I found a section on advice for solo traveling, and I came across this contribution:

"I am 68 and have travelled in my motorhome for months at a time, and I relish my solitude the most of all my treasures. Loneliness happens when my relationship to myself is incomplete, when I'm not my own best friend, when I talk in negatives to myself instead of appreciatively, and when I don't listen carefully to the quietness inside me. Thinking of being alone as lonely is very different from perceiving it as solitude. For starters, solitude is healing, restorative, and self nurturing. Therefore the experience of loneliness is an opportunity to get to know yourself better, deeper, more intimately. When this feels scary or impossible it is an extra special gift. How productive it is to sit quietly alone, empty your mind, listen for the whispers of your unconscious, your deeper self, your soul..." -anonymous journey woman warrior goddess

 These words could not be more true. As I read, I knew the cause of my struggle. These past couple of months I have undoubtedly gained some weight. I've eaten a lot of really good food but haven't kept up the exercise to balance things out. Growing up I never had any serious body issues beyond being a typical teenage girl, but now I feel more uncomfortable in my own skin than ever. And as a yogi, I'm used to feeling a connection to my body, in touch with my muscles and limbs and the pulse of my veins. But now I can recognize that that connection has been diminished. I keep saying I'll go on a run or practice yoga, but it's so hard when I haven't had a stable routine or comfortable space of my own in so many months. I know what it feels like to be my own best friend, and to speak to myself appreciatively rather than negatively. I just need to get back to that space, and I know I'm the only one who can make a change and get me there. So though these days on my own in Cambodia are scary at times, even a little daunting,  I know I'm here for a reason, to heal and restore my relationship to myself. This morning I took a yoga class at a studio nearby and I already feel like I'm headed in the right direction. As my teacher, Maria Cristina Jimenez, taught me, Om Namah Shivaya, I am divine and complete as I am. Thank you Thai visa rules for forcing me to come to Cambodia and spend these days with myself! 

my new heroes, The Tandem Turners!!!!!

Omen!!!! There were more butterflies than I've ever seen in Laos

Omen #2 on the wall of my room in Cambodia

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Day 70

I just listened to my best friend, Callie's song "Family Portrait of my Friends" and I was reminded how insanely lucky I am to have the most amazing community in the entire infinite universe (you can listen to her song here: http://callieryan.bandcamp.com/album/love-songs-and-other-stupid-stuff). Even though the times have been rough lately, you guys give me all the strength I could ever need in the world and I am so thankful for that. I miss talking to you everyday and I wish I could be a bigger part of your lives this year but I know that you guys are thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about you. So thank you for rooting me on wherever you are, believe me I feel all the love and joy and courage that you're sending me.

Endless gratitude,


And now I lech lecha!!!!!!


Saturday, March 2, 2013

Day 68

I just skyped with my parents and I'm feeling a little weird. I don't know why. I've been trying to explain the way I feel to all sorts of people recently but I feel like no one actually understands. Maybe I don't even really understand. I'm bored, I'm frustrated, I'm confused. All the clarity that I found in Nepal, Europe has stolen. Who am I anymore anyway. I miss Asha. I don't think I'm unhappy, but I think my instincts are trying to tell me something. Where are you wolf woman?! I know you're somewhere deep inside. Please give me some direction, I need you so badly. Why do I feel so lost, without a purpose? I have only two days left here. I know I'll make it, of course I will. But what if Thailand doesn't give me all I hope it will. I am counting down the hours as if my savior were coming, but who knows if it will actually renew in me that harmonic life force of passionate adventure and discovery that I've been yearning for. Who in this infinite universe knows. I don't. All I can do is wait and see. "Go out in the woods, go out. If you don't go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin." -Dr. Estes

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Day 62

While I was shoveling horse poop yesterday I realized just how much time I have to think these days. It is a hell of a lot of time. Half the day I spend singing "Bring It On Home" by Sam Cooke in my head, but still I always find my thoughts wandering farther and father away from what's happening in reality; I'm re-living past events, I'm envisioning myself a month from now, a year from now. And the ever expanding green fields, now sprinkled with snow, seem to give my mind all the space it could ever want to run wild. Sometimes it's nice to reminisce or plan, but right now it's frustrating. I've done this great thing for myself, I've taken a gap year with the intention of discovering all that my soul has to offer me. Yet, for some foolish reason, my mind prefers to be elsewhere, while it should be soaking up the present moment as much as it can before this year ends and I'm stuck wishing I could go back. So what to do. I guess first off I need to stop calling my mind "it" and realize that I am my mind, and no one has control over my mind but me. Meaning, only I can solve this problem, no one can do it for me. Abatiwaha, so is life.
I think things started to get weird in my head a few days into being on the farm. Maybe you can tell by now but Europe isn't really for me (at least at this point in my life) and I've been struggling to establish a connection to the cultures, people, etc. As much as I've enjoyed working with Neinke and Auke, the lack of direction that I've felt since being in Europe has started to weigh on me, making me feel even a little anxious (I hate that word) to move on to the next trip. This aimlessness has led me, I think, to distract myself with visions of past events or with grand ideas for the future, and surprisingly, to yearn for structure. Whereas in Nepal, one intense and challenging experience was followed by the next, this semester everything is in my hands, and naturally I decided to sort of plan as I go. So here I am in Holland working on a farm but simultaneously planning out what I'll do in Thailand and where I'll visit and what I'll eat and so on. And as exciting as all of that is, I've been losing sight of the present moment. Even if, at present, I'm not overwhelmed by joy or so in love with my surroundings, the present is where I must dwell and must stay. Past Emily is climbing the Himalayas and exploring the desert, while future Emily is hangin with the gibbons in Thailand and meditating in India (?). So all present Emily needs to do is be on the farm with Neinke and Auke and their dogs and their two-day-old goat babies and their horse poop.
I said to my mom the other day that I'm not feeling challenged enough, and she responded, "You are traveling the world completely on your own, how can you not feel challenged?" And hey she's right, maybe I ought to give myself a little more credit. Challenge won't always come in the form of eating frog in a rural Nepali village. So the challenge that I need to face for now is letting go of my wandering thoughts about the past and the future and just be in the now, and take it a day at a time. I want to leave the farm feeling proud of how hard I worked and feeling at peace with my environment here. So that's exactly what I'll do, I'll keep shoveling poop and making goat cheese and I'll use the simple landscape to calm my mind and reign in my thoughts to the present. And of course the wolf woman in me will always keep howling.

"This is what you shall do: Love the Earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or any number of men, go freely with the powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.."
- from Walt Whitman's introduction to his book "Leaves of Grass"

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Day 59

Today was very long. In the morning I shoveled more horse poop (it is endless), fed the animals, and learned how to mold the cheese so that it can be sold tomorrow at the farmer's market in the nearest city, Groningen. To mold the cheese I stuffed it into these various shaped cups that had little holes in them. (If cheese was squeezing out of the holes that meant it was compacted enough.) I would then run the cheese filled cup under hot water, and shake. I would shake and shake and shake for dear life. And 57 cheese molds later, my arms were ready to fall off. I thought I could have started crying at any moment, I don't know why. I think I'm just still adjusting to work life/farm life/dutch life here, and adjusting periods are always the toughest for me. But on the upswing, I learned how to chop wood today and that was thrilling, not to mention very difficult after shaking all those cups of cheese. It took a long time, but eventually I slit the wood right down the middle. I'm a warrior goddess!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 58

Well here I am out in the middle of nowhere, on a goat cheese farm in northern Holland. Why the heck am I here? You may ask. For some odd reason, I decided that "hard physical labor" was one of my goals for this gap year, and I'd say there's no better way to get your fill of hard physical labor than working on a farm. So I signed up with the organization WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms www.wwoof.org) and found Neinke and Auke, a Dutch couple who live with their five children on a farm in a village called Sebaldeburen. WWOOF is really really groovy because while I offer them my labor, they give me hearty Dutch food and shelter in their Ikea dream house (and I get to play with their dogs!). So it's a win-win-win sort of deal. And here I am at De-Mekkerkast Farm (www.de-mekkerkast.nl)! Because they're in the goat cheese business, they have lots of sweet little goats, as well as cows, pigs, and horses just for fun. Their home and barns are surrounded by sprawling green fields speckled with leafless trees, and there are no mountains or hills so the land feels like it goes on forever. That being said, it feels good to be out of the city. I have space to breathe again. As much as I soaked up every moment I had with Alex, Paris revealed to me some inner conflicts that I couldn't seem to reconcile. Yeah the city has a lot going for it, the history, the art, an efficient metro system, but I just couldn't get into it. While the other girls gaggled over the Eiffel Tower, after a minute I thought, okay cool I'm ready to move on. Is something wrong with me? I don't know. But I felt like a piece was missing. My surroundings weren't reaching into my soul or making joy flow through my veins (a feeling I've come to know and love on this gap year). I felt like such a hypocrite, I say all the time that I can find joy anywhere no matter what. "So where the hell is it!?" I thought to my self... AH! MY BEST FRIEND ALEX STILLS! All the joy I could ever want is in this beautiful gal I get to call my soul sister! Wow how lucky am I! So who cares where we are, I get to spend time with my best friend and eat a couple baguettes while we're at it.
So that's how Paris went. And now I'm on the farm doing what I do best, shovel things around and play in the dirt. Here's a list of some of the work I've done thus far (it's only been two days mind you).
Package fresh strips of meat into vacuum sealed bags.
Wheel barrow chopped wood across the farm.
Feed the animals their various types of hay and pellets and grains and food scraps.
Shovel horse poop.
Pull all of the dead plants out of the garden and feed them to the goats.
Cut back tree branches and build an absurdly large pile of dried wood, to be burned later.
Go to Neinke and Auke's daughter's horse back riding competition (she got disqualified because the horse pooped while she was competing).
So all is well and fun! Of course it's freezing outside and the weather is predicted to be in the 30s all week, but hey it's only temporary. May I go forth, lech lecha, and shovel all the horse poop I can.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Day 54

After a seven hour bus ride out of Amsterdam, my BFF, the one and only Alexandra Stills, and I have made it to France. The land of chocolate crepes and impressionist painting. Though my years of high school French have failed me, Paris doesn't know what it has comin. Wolf women unite!!!!!!